Velocirapture

Image not mine, but awesome anyway.

Kenneth is not taking the Velocirapture seriously enough. I've tried to engage him on the seriousness of this future event, but he keeps telling me I need more to do at work.

WHAT could be more important than warning the world, Kenneth? WHAT? I am trying to prepare you for huge talons and rending of flesh and little children running amok due to wild ravenous velociraptors. 

 As we learned last week, I have a traumatic event in my childhood involving dinosaurs.  There is a strangely large amount of information on these interwebs about this epic future event, some even hinting that instead of the Mayan People Rapture that everyone's expecting - IT WILL BE THE VELOCIRAPTURE.


The Concept: Looking around the interwebs there are conflicting stories and data concerning the Velocirapture. Some indicate there will be, in fact, a Raptor Jesus. Click on that link for a picture of Raptor Jesus. It's kinda disturbing, but I think Raptor Jesus needs a pope hat.  I have a thing for pope hats. The only reason I'd ever want to be an episcopal bishop or the pope is THE HATS.  Some insist that it will be an invasion of Raptors that will signal the end of the world. THAT is the more scary option.

If it's just a Raptor with magical powers, a halo, and an intent to do good - I'm ok with that. Bring on Raptor Jesus.

BUT. A raptor invasion is something I am not prepared for.   There are signs that it is soon, maybe even sooner than 2012!! OH NO!

I need to get my Velociraptor-proof door handles ready.

And Velociraptors aren't the friendliest of their dinosaur brethren. I mean. If I was small (compared to DINOSAURS), evolved from birdies, and had crazy big flesh ripping talons - I'd put them to good use too. RAWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRR!!!!


Some more useful Velocirapture Links for your perusal: 

Probably the coolest comic about the Velocirapture. Probably.

Reddit's discussion on the Velocirapture. Text heavy, as all Reddit is. A notable quote, "Tyrannosatan will appear to rule the world of sinners."

Someone named their band Velocirapture. They have 22 likes on Facebook. That's not enough for this epicly named band. Notable quote from their info: "Velocirapture is gearing up for their BLOW YOUR TOAD Tour -- Coming soon to a city near you!"

The Velocirapture (Tomorrow):  A youtube video about the impending Velocirapture. That dino looks pretty fake to me, but make up your own minds.

PS: There are similar sites for Zombie Jesus. 
PSS: I am not going to hell for blogging about Raptor Jesus. I think the Dalai Lama and Raptor Jesus would be buds. 
PSS: How are you preparing for the Velocirapture?
PSSS: As always, comment here or facebook or anywhere. :)  Follow and share if you feel like it.

Movies that scare the hell out of me. And one that didn't.

Good morning!! I had a rough time sleeping last night (up every hour or so and then it took 20 minutes to go back to sleeeeeep! Ahhhhhhhhh) so I'm cheering myself up (and possibly freaking myself out) by updating my blog!!

So you benefit from my insomnia. I never have insomnia - so weird.  I don't watch too many "scary" or "horror" flicks, cause I like when movies are entertaining. Not frightening. Why pay for someone to jump in your face and make you pee your pants?

Kenneth and I have Netflix, possibly the greatest thing ever. And yesterday we watched out DVD that was delivered, Black Swan.

Now, this movie got a LOT of hype. I thought it would be super scary like zombie-ballerina type thing. It wasn't really. I think I wanted it to be OMGAMAZING due to the reviews and people talking about it like 15 years ago when it came out (slight exaggeration on the time frame there.) 

Sidenote: Jessica clean out your downloaded picture file at work so the boss doesn't wonder why I have all these weird images.

Well, it was slightly disturbing - but it wasn't freak-me-out-stay-up-all-night disturbing. I covered my face once really early on in the movie.  I DID come up with the wrong solution to the plot, and was disappointed when it wasn't right. Cause that woulda been a way cooler ending.  I cringed waaay more when we watched 127 Hours the other day. It's the story of Aron Ralston getting stuck in a canyon and CHOPPING HIS HAND OFF WITH A DULL KNIFE. All Black Swan was was some creepy ballerina with mommy issues.

While we're talking about movies. I watched Paranormal Activity (the first one) when it was streaming on Netflix.  This was possibly the second most frightening movie ever for me. (More on the first later.) I know  people have said it's dumb.. BUT. When that chick stares at her sleeping boyfriend/fiance/husband for HOURS beside the bed. That's jacked up. The night after I watched that I could not sleep - I stayed up and watched Top Gear (the UK version, not the US one cause the US version is crap on a stick) all night and then went to work the next morning still freaking out. So.. Unless it shows up on Netflix streaming (please god no) I won't be watching Paranormal Activity two or three. (But I can't resist that instant streaming yo.)

And finally, the last two movies are HELLA old. But when I was a kid I was easily frightened and terrified. These movies still bother me today. Don't judge me. DON'T.

Jurassic Park. I was really young when this came out. Hold on lemme find out how little I was.. Research time. 1993. That means I was 9 or 10.  That's really little for HUGE SCARY DINOSAURS. My dad took me to this movie in the theaters. Now, I don't blame him. Cause taking your kid to the movies is awesome. And I probably begged him. 

But we had to leave halfway through. I think it was after that guy got eaten on the toilet.

I remember my dad taking me to McDonalds and saying that it was OK that I had asked to leave and he was kinda scared by the movie too. So that made it ok. You're cool dad.  

Ok last one. Now this movie is my all-time-terrorific-will-never-watch-ever-ever movie. E.T. : The Extra Terrestrial. Dude.

I'm getting upset just typing about it. There is NOTHING NORMAL about a cute little friendly alien who likes to play with little girls and eat skittles. NOTHING. In fact it's kind of pedo-creepy. And to make matters worse they put the house in some kind of Outbreak-type-hospital-tunnel-plastic thing. 

ahhhhhhhh...... Ok I'm going to stop talking about ET. 

Anyway. I'm done talking about movies. What movies terrify you?

Stalker cats!

OH HI!

So, we're gonna talk about two things today. 

1. Internet Stalker

2. The cat tried to kill me. 

Ok. I play World of Warcraft.  I admit it. I've met some pretty epic people on there, and I've also met some pretty awful people.  But. The awesome thing about online gaming is the ease of blocking those people with "ignore" features. There's tons of avenues available to separate yourself from negative and awful and obsessive people.

So let's meet this guy. Of course it's a guy - cause most girls are sane. Let's call this guy Clinton, cause that's his damn name.  He inserted himself into our community in game, and eventually revealed himself as a crazy person. The situation ended with me completely blocking him from my life after threatening text messages.  So, I've put some guidelines together for myself in the future.  They might help you too if you have a pretty big "online" presence.

1. DO NOT give out your real name.  I know this isn't really realistic in the age of Facebook.  But if you an avoid it - do. For WOW specifically there is an option called "RealID" that gives people the option of giving out their real name to contact people cross-server and games. BE CAREFUL who you give this out to.  My new baseline, if I haven't known (and regularly spoken with) someone for six months or more - they're not getting my RealID.
2.  DO NOT put all of your personal information anywhere.  This is also hard to resist in the social media age. There is no rule that you have to put where you work, where you live, your phone number, or your email address.  There are boxes for them, yes. But guess what!!  You can leave them blank.  My stalker was able to get the phone number at my workplace and threaten me with "calling my boss."  Remove that ability. 
3. LOOK for clues that people are not stable.  If they seem to latch on in an obsessive way, it's probably not the healthiest person mentally. Keywords are "special, different" for obsession. If they seem to always want to talk about their problems and seem sad all the time, they're probably not the best companion or friend, and might turn crazy.  Keywords for sad/depressed are "I've had enough, I don't know what to do with my life, I'm so tired of the world, I'm fat, I'm a loser"  anything that they seem to want to tell you but not listen to a solution for. They've decided to be that way, let them do it far away from you. 
4. SEVER any connections if you suspect that they are not stable. If you have seen any of those keywords or someone is acting in an obsessive or unhealthy way, sever all ties. Don't wait - there's no point in keeping them in your online circle. There's millions of people that can take their place. Block/report them on your Facebook and any other social media site you use, use the ignore function in any online game you play,  and if they have contacted you via telephone obsessively - call your phone company and have the number blocked.
5. Report them to the police if you feel in any way unsafe in your house/workplace because of this person. I'm lucky that my stalker lives in Florida and has no mode of transportation or income to "come find me" as he threatened.  BUT, that will not always to be the case.  When in doubt, report the incidents to your local police and provide all proof you can (Facebook page, real name, contact info, screenshots, voice mails, text messages, anything you can think of that shows that this person is a threat to you.)

Ok, hope that helps and makes you think!!

Don't let that face confuse you.  That cat is a monster. She straight up jacked my hand up.  I don't care if she is lovingly sitting beside me and begging for pettings. SHE IS A MONSTER.


PS: Kenneth and I are going to "Hallelujah Broadway!" tonight. I don't recognize any of the vocalists, but hopefully they'll do some stuff I can sing along with. And if it sucks, I can always read Game of Thrones on my kindle. (IT IS SO GOOD.)

Before you go to the dentist, read this.

So.. I may have problems with my boss and my current job in general.  But one thing that drives me CRAZY is patients who don't think before they come in to see the Dentist.  Here are some general guidelines to follow before you to the dentist for anything ranging from a simple checkup to some crazy implant.

Those sum purdy teef.

1.  ALWAYS bring your insurance information. This goes double if you have changed insurance companies.  O M G people. "You know, that one dental insurance that has the blue ball in the commercial."  NO I DO NOT KNOW THAT INSURANCE COMPANY BASED SOLEY ON THE COMMERCIAL.  And I will not be able to get ANY information on it if you don't provide me with BASIC information (you know, those damned cards they give you?)  And don't expect the dentist to see you (or the receptionist to let you stay) if you "forgot" your insurance information.
2. UNDERSTAND your dental insurance plan.  I can't tell you how many times people ask me VERY specific questions about their insurance plans and I have to tell them, "No I did not read all 200 pages of your dental insurance plan just to familiarize myself with it.  There are over 500 charts behind me. There are thousands of insurance companies, millions of plans. Sorry I didn't have time to learn all of them in the year I've been working here. I've spent all my time blogging instead." Well.. Maybe I don't say that.. Maybe I smile and shake my head and bite my tongue. But sometimes, I just can't.  Yes, I can call and ask them about that one particular issue if you ask VERY nicely, but it'd be easier for you to just go read your damn plan.
3. BE NICE to the receptionist.  THIS. THIS, OMG THIS. They control ALL contact between you, the dentist, and any other staff members.  If you are a bitch (there are male and female versions of this word) I am not going to do my damndest to help you. Sorry, my time is reserved for polite people. And DO NOT demand to speak to the dentist without explaining your situation. That's what the receptionist there for, to screen crazies. LIKE YOU.  Nice people will have their information within the same day.  Bitches? You're gonna have to wait a few.
4. DON'T come in and expect not to pay anything. Bring your checkbook, cash, or a credit card.  There's no telling what's going on in your funky-ass mouth and if we have to DO something more than we expected  GUESS WHAT. You're going to have to pay for it.  I don't care how old you are or if you've been coming to this office for 156 years.  If you don't have insurance, you know you have to pay for your visit, don't be an idiotic old man and say "Bill me." No. Pay. Me.  That's like going to the grocery store, bagging all your groceries, then asking the cashier to send the bill to your house. Nope. 
5. If you're going to cancel, do it AS FAR ahead of time as possible.  It is HUGELY frustrating to the entire staff to have a major procedure (crown, implant, dentures) call and cancel the same day (or leave a message the night before).  I have had people cancel because it was raining, because it was hot outside, and get this - because they WANTED TO GO TO THE POOL.  Don't cry and give me a pity party when I charge your ass for the time reserved for you.
6. DON'T ask for a discount.  The charges are what they are. If you can't afford a service, don't have it scheduled for you and done.  If you can't afford a prostitute do you go ahead and call her over and ask her for a discount when she gets there? NO! She'd laugh in your face.  And that's what I want to do to you. We tell you the cost ahead of time for almost everything, and WE HAVE A PHONE. Call and ask the damn price.  

Ok that's it. But I can't stress how important #3 is.  If you have any of these other problems and are NICE to me and the staff, I will take care of you.  But if you're mean, hateful, and THEN do something else stupid? Dude, just find a new dentist because I have a list of those people. And I tell the Doctor and the Assistant and the Hygienist about you.

And they will remember that you were mean to me when they have sharp instruments in your mouth.