Before you go to the dentist, read this.

So.. I may have problems with my boss and my current job in general.  But one thing that drives me CRAZY is patients who don't think before they come in to see the Dentist.  Here are some general guidelines to follow before you to the dentist for anything ranging from a simple checkup to some crazy implant.

Those sum purdy teef.

1.  ALWAYS bring your insurance information. This goes double if you have changed insurance companies.  O M G people. "You know, that one dental insurance that has the blue ball in the commercial."  NO I DO NOT KNOW THAT INSURANCE COMPANY BASED SOLEY ON THE COMMERCIAL.  And I will not be able to get ANY information on it if you don't provide me with BASIC information (you know, those damned cards they give you?)  And don't expect the dentist to see you (or the receptionist to let you stay) if you "forgot" your insurance information.
2. UNDERSTAND your dental insurance plan.  I can't tell you how many times people ask me VERY specific questions about their insurance plans and I have to tell them, "No I did not read all 200 pages of your dental insurance plan just to familiarize myself with it.  There are over 500 charts behind me. There are thousands of insurance companies, millions of plans. Sorry I didn't have time to learn all of them in the year I've been working here. I've spent all my time blogging instead." Well.. Maybe I don't say that.. Maybe I smile and shake my head and bite my tongue. But sometimes, I just can't.  Yes, I can call and ask them about that one particular issue if you ask VERY nicely, but it'd be easier for you to just go read your damn plan.
3. BE NICE to the receptionist.  THIS. THIS, OMG THIS. They control ALL contact between you, the dentist, and any other staff members.  If you are a bitch (there are male and female versions of this word) I am not going to do my damndest to help you. Sorry, my time is reserved for polite people. And DO NOT demand to speak to the dentist without explaining your situation. That's what the receptionist there for, to screen crazies. LIKE YOU.  Nice people will have their information within the same day.  Bitches? You're gonna have to wait a few.
4. DON'T come in and expect not to pay anything. Bring your checkbook, cash, or a credit card.  There's no telling what's going on in your funky-ass mouth and if we have to DO something more than we expected  GUESS WHAT. You're going to have to pay for it.  I don't care how old you are or if you've been coming to this office for 156 years.  If you don't have insurance, you know you have to pay for your visit, don't be an idiotic old man and say "Bill me." No. Pay. Me.  That's like going to the grocery store, bagging all your groceries, then asking the cashier to send the bill to your house. Nope. 
5. If you're going to cancel, do it AS FAR ahead of time as possible.  It is HUGELY frustrating to the entire staff to have a major procedure (crown, implant, dentures) call and cancel the same day (or leave a message the night before).  I have had people cancel because it was raining, because it was hot outside, and get this - because they WANTED TO GO TO THE POOL.  Don't cry and give me a pity party when I charge your ass for the time reserved for you.
6. DON'T ask for a discount.  The charges are what they are. If you can't afford a service, don't have it scheduled for you and done.  If you can't afford a prostitute do you go ahead and call her over and ask her for a discount when she gets there? NO! She'd laugh in your face.  And that's what I want to do to you. We tell you the cost ahead of time for almost everything, and WE HAVE A PHONE. Call and ask the damn price.  

Ok that's it. But I can't stress how important #3 is.  If you have any of these other problems and are NICE to me and the staff, I will take care of you.  But if you're mean, hateful, and THEN do something else stupid? Dude, just find a new dentist because I have a list of those people. And I tell the Doctor and the Assistant and the Hygienist about you.

And they will remember that you were mean to me when they have sharp instruments in your mouth.