Guidelines for Posting on Facebook

Post Number: I have no idea +1

Lately I've been logging onto Facebook and am being overwhelmed by seething rage and violent, murderous tendencies.  I think a lot of my frustration could be helped by a dose of common sense and forethought.  Or, if you're too lazy or don't possess a brain capable of some simple self-censorship, here are some guidelines.   Now, to make it clear, I am not guiltless in these departments.. But my misuse of Facebook is infrequent. Is yours?

• Will anyone care?
This is a big one, and one that's overlooked a LOT.  While I'm sure your coo-coo clock is amazing and VERY rare, I don't want to hear about it for a week after you get it. This one applies to obscure sports facts.. Or commenting how your neighbor needs to mow their grass because you're getting lost when you go to your car cause it kinda reminds you of the African Savannah? Just say no.
• Will it gross people out?
   I'm thrilled your pregnant, or have recently had a baby. But I don't need to hear about it's (or your) bodily functions. I don't have kids.. And maybe I don't have kids for a reason, didja ever think of that? Maybe I'd like to pass on the gross diapers I hear about on Facebook? And if you're sick, I'm so sorry. I hope you feel better, but please please please don't post on how your bathroom situation is uncomfortable or your puking your intestines from your nostrils. I really don't want to hear it. A quick test. Would you tell that information to a stranger? If it's a no, don't post it on Facebook. 
• Are you using excessive vulgarity or posting way TMI? I've run into this with some of my former voice students.  I think of them as High School students, and CAPS LOCKING VULGARITIES AND OMG THIS BITCH A HO IMA CUT HER is kind of rage-inducing for me. I don't care about your petty drama with some other chick (or dude.) Just shut your mouth.  And, I also don't care to know about your sexual habits. I can handle an occasional dose of innuendo (in YOUR end-o) if it's presented with humor.. But if it's every other day I'm probably just gonna hit the dreaded UNFRIEND button. (OMG THE HORROR)
• Is it a quote? Your Facebook should represent you, not Abraham Lincoln or The Dalai Lama or some obscure feminist I don't give a shit about. I am guilty of this one probably most of all, since I'm a huge fan of the Dalai Lama.  IF it is relevant to a situation you are going through, I'm ok with reading the quote to empathize (or celebrate!) with you. Just don't make it a habit, Mario Tobar. And very very often, that quote you're using is misattributed.. And I will make fun of you if I realize it.  

• Are you being a Debbie Downer?
  Are your posts more than 50% negative, woe is me, my life is awful type things? If so, you might be a Debbie Downer.  The first few times we see these posts, we feel sorry for you.  The rest of the time, we roll our eyes and usually say "Man up."  Everyone's life is hard, we don't want to be brought down by yours.
• Would someone call the Suicide Prevention Hotline on you?  This one is sort of an extreme version of the Debbie Downer. If your posts are 90% negative.. We will worry about you and think someone should call the Suicide Hotline for you. "I hate my life."  "How long does this have to go on?" That sort of thing. If you need me to call someone for you, please God just tell me and stop posting on Facebook.
• Are you a Happy Hannah?
  I'm more on this side of the fence.  I'd SO much prefer to read about a Happy Hannah than a Debbie Downer.  A lot of extremely-in-your-face religious people fall into this category as well.  Sure, I'm saw you saw a cloud in the shape of a duckbill platypus and thought "Isn't god cool?" But... c'mon. The rest of us are just going to laugh at you.
• Do you only post pictures?I know. That picture of your cat is ADORABLE. And I can stand to see one or two of them. But don't update us on your cat's cute-level every other day. C'mon. And those political ones showing me how Obama kinda sorta reminds you of a monkey? That's like an automatic block. If you're going to post a picture.. Think if it's going to be funny for anyone else. And will it a offend a close friend or group of friends?  I do this occasionally, and I will do it now. Behold, Catdalf. 

Yes, I know that I posted two pictures that had to do with Gandalf.. And both were kind of nerdy. DEAL WITH IT.  I think what it comes down to is that Facebook has allowed us to be oversharing assholes without any sort of real-life repercussions.  If it's important to you, WHY WOULDN'T IT BE IMPORTANT TO ANYONE ELSE?  But trust me, it's not. The world just does not care about you that much. 

It only cares about me that much. 

Carry on.

-JESS