HOSTAGE SITUATION

Hello, nonexistent readers of my oh-so-not-so-humble-blog.  This post is much longer than I intended it to be.  Don't complain. I may just order 50 tacos in front of you at Taco Bell.

Thanksgiving was this past weekend (or Thursday.) I hope you had a good time with family, or by yourself if that's your thing. Which I understand.. Cause some families are CRAZY yo. Yes, I can say yo. DON'T LOOK AT ME THAT WAY!

So, the plan was to leave after choir practice (Kenneth's choir not mine!), drive a few hours to sleep in Virginia. We were in Virginia right Kenneth? I really have no idea. I just show up and do what I'm told most of the time. Kenneth is my life coach-planner-organizer-person.  I should sell clones of him for unorganized or non-tech-savvy people.  I will call it the Kenomatic.

BACK ON TOPIC.  So we finished choir practice (for which there were FOUR choir members) and got on the road.  I was kinda hungry, so in my not-so-subtle way,

Me: "Kenneth I'm hungry."
Ken: "Ok, what do you want?"
Me: "Oh whatever you want is fine."
Ken: "How about Arby's?"
Me: "OH PLEASE GOD NO!" (I don't like their song Good Mood Food? Did a FIVE YEAR OLD        WRITE THAT?)
Ken: "Kentucky Fried Chicken?"
Me: "OH GOD NO!" (Bowls... are disgusting.)
Ken: "How about---"
Me: "Oh look a Taco Bell!"
Ken: *pulls in*

This is generally how food selection goes.. I pretend I don't know what I want and hope Kenneth will use his mind-reading powers to guess what I actually want.

I probably wouldn't have minded so much if it had
looked like this.

Omg how did I get so off topic. I wanted to talk about the hostage situation!!!!  Ok anyway, so we pull into Taco Bell.  We never have Taco Bell any more cause we are watching what we eat, so this is a treat for us.  We pull in behind a BIG BLACK TRUCK.    It didn't look exactly like the one in the picture, but it was close.

He takes a few seconds to order and then we pull up to the menu in our cute silver Honda Civic.  A very nice sounding gentleman comes over the speaker and says "Please take a moment to look over the menu and I'll be right back  with you."

I think this is fabulous.  Someone working a drive-through speaker system that can put a complete sentence together and obviously is kind of busy, but cares enough to let me know. GREAT! An intelligent person at Taco Bell! I feel slightly better about my fast-food choice.

A few minutes pass.  Kenneth and I have a great conversations concerning wolverines and Deep Space Nine.  And wolverines attacking Deep Space Nine. And things like that. So we don't even notice the clock moving.

Five minutes pass, taking this into the NO LONGER FAST FOOD arena.  I glance at the clock, but shrug it off thinking that they must be really busy.  Kenneth and I talk some more, this time about the merits of different Star Trek captains by the ratio of hair covering their head.  I think our scale is flawed because Janeway has tons of hair and is awesome, but Picard has like none and is ALSO AWESOME.  And Kirk is somewhere in between and is a douche.

Ten Minutes.  Fifteen. At this point I'm getting kind of pissed off and people in the huge line that has formed behind us start honking their horns.  I develop a complex.  Do they think I'm ordering the entire menu?  Do I need the calorie count of a bean burrito and every ingredient read out to me? NO! I am waiting! So I start talking to the speaker, hoping they'll talk back.  All the while, Big Black Truck man is waiting at the food-window. This is the point where I'd say "Fuck Taco Bell." And drive off.  But someone at Taco Bell had their thinking cap on and put a big ass CURB around their drive through.  If I was rocking a Range Rover or previously mentioned Big Black Truck, I'da jumped that bitch.  But I drive a cute little Honda Civic. No way Jose.   I drew a little diagram to help you.

Blue: Taco Bell
Green: Menu Speaker
Red Arrow: US
Pink arrow: Big Black Truck
Black Line: UNSURMOUNTABLE CURB
Yellow Dots: Everyone who is not trapped at Taco Bell

No one.

Fifteen + minutes.  I whip out my iPhone, locate the store on the map, and call their ass.  Some happy sounding chick answers the phone.  I tell her that I am currently being held hostage at her menu speaker thing and that no one has talked to us since the dinosaurs were having Taco Bell.  She hands me off (as she should) to a manager.  I run down the situation to him (he sounds remarkably like aforementioned well-spoken-speaker-man) and he sighs.  He tells me that the guy in front of us (Big Black Truck) has ordered 50 tacos.  I express my frustration with their management of this scenario, he says "I'm just making food here Ma'am."

Now.. You're probably thinking the same thing I am.  I get asked to "Pull around."  When I order a caeser salad sometimes.  He doesn't ask this dude for 50 tacos?

Reasons for Ordering 50 Tacos:

1. You are an animal hoarder and your 400 cats exist solely on Taco Bell Tacos. 
2. You're a roadie for a band and got stiffed for your dinner-run and decided to punish them with 59 cent tacos. 
3. You're trying to make my life miserable. 

But to make a long story short, I got NO apology when they promptly took my order after I called in to complain. No coupon, no free food. Nothin'.  Just a "Have a nice day."    So.. I will blacklist them to my loyal readership (of which there are none!)


BEWARE THIS TACO BELL.  THEY WILL HOLD YOU HOSTAGE.


820 Eastgate South Dr. 
Cincinnati, OH 45245-1545


Many other things happened these past few days, but I've written enough today. DEAL.

Carry On,

Jess

Update: Kenneth informs me that we were actually in West Virginia.  I was busy watching Harry Potter, and thus did not notice states going by.


He also would like me to mention that we might have not been discussing wolverines. 

Guidelines for Posting on Facebook

Post Number: I have no idea +1

Lately I've been logging onto Facebook and am being overwhelmed by seething rage and violent, murderous tendencies.  I think a lot of my frustration could be helped by a dose of common sense and forethought.  Or, if you're too lazy or don't possess a brain capable of some simple self-censorship, here are some guidelines.   Now, to make it clear, I am not guiltless in these departments.. But my misuse of Facebook is infrequent. Is yours?

• Will anyone care?
This is a big one, and one that's overlooked a LOT.  While I'm sure your coo-coo clock is amazing and VERY rare, I don't want to hear about it for a week after you get it. This one applies to obscure sports facts.. Or commenting how your neighbor needs to mow their grass because you're getting lost when you go to your car cause it kinda reminds you of the African Savannah? Just say no.
• Will it gross people out?
   I'm thrilled your pregnant, or have recently had a baby. But I don't need to hear about it's (or your) bodily functions. I don't have kids.. And maybe I don't have kids for a reason, didja ever think of that? Maybe I'd like to pass on the gross diapers I hear about on Facebook? And if you're sick, I'm so sorry. I hope you feel better, but please please please don't post on how your bathroom situation is uncomfortable or your puking your intestines from your nostrils. I really don't want to hear it. A quick test. Would you tell that information to a stranger? If it's a no, don't post it on Facebook. 
• Are you using excessive vulgarity or posting way TMI? I've run into this with some of my former voice students.  I think of them as High School students, and CAPS LOCKING VULGARITIES AND OMG THIS BITCH A HO IMA CUT HER is kind of rage-inducing for me. I don't care about your petty drama with some other chick (or dude.) Just shut your mouth.  And, I also don't care to know about your sexual habits. I can handle an occasional dose of innuendo (in YOUR end-o) if it's presented with humor.. But if it's every other day I'm probably just gonna hit the dreaded UNFRIEND button. (OMG THE HORROR)
• Is it a quote? Your Facebook should represent you, not Abraham Lincoln or The Dalai Lama or some obscure feminist I don't give a shit about. I am guilty of this one probably most of all, since I'm a huge fan of the Dalai Lama.  IF it is relevant to a situation you are going through, I'm ok with reading the quote to empathize (or celebrate!) with you. Just don't make it a habit, Mario Tobar. And very very often, that quote you're using is misattributed.. And I will make fun of you if I realize it.  

• Are you being a Debbie Downer?
  Are your posts more than 50% negative, woe is me, my life is awful type things? If so, you might be a Debbie Downer.  The first few times we see these posts, we feel sorry for you.  The rest of the time, we roll our eyes and usually say "Man up."  Everyone's life is hard, we don't want to be brought down by yours.
• Would someone call the Suicide Prevention Hotline on you?  This one is sort of an extreme version of the Debbie Downer. If your posts are 90% negative.. We will worry about you and think someone should call the Suicide Hotline for you. "I hate my life."  "How long does this have to go on?" That sort of thing. If you need me to call someone for you, please God just tell me and stop posting on Facebook.
• Are you a Happy Hannah?
  I'm more on this side of the fence.  I'd SO much prefer to read about a Happy Hannah than a Debbie Downer.  A lot of extremely-in-your-face religious people fall into this category as well.  Sure, I'm saw you saw a cloud in the shape of a duckbill platypus and thought "Isn't god cool?" But... c'mon. The rest of us are just going to laugh at you.
• Do you only post pictures?I know. That picture of your cat is ADORABLE. And I can stand to see one or two of them. But don't update us on your cat's cute-level every other day. C'mon. And those political ones showing me how Obama kinda sorta reminds you of a monkey? That's like an automatic block. If you're going to post a picture.. Think if it's going to be funny for anyone else. And will it a offend a close friend or group of friends?  I do this occasionally, and I will do it now. Behold, Catdalf. 

Yes, I know that I posted two pictures that had to do with Gandalf.. And both were kind of nerdy. DEAL WITH IT.  I think what it comes down to is that Facebook has allowed us to be oversharing assholes without any sort of real-life repercussions.  If it's important to you, WHY WOULDN'T IT BE IMPORTANT TO ANYONE ELSE?  But trust me, it's not. The world just does not care about you that much. 

It only cares about me that much. 

Carry on.

-JESS

Witty Post TItle

Blog entry number: I have no idea.

So.. I've had a pretty boring week or so. Work, work, work, sleep, work work, gym, gym, work, bar, gym, blue-ray, WoW, stuff.

Movie poster!

The blue ray was Stardust. And it is now one of my favorite movies. I remember seeing this in 2007 and loving it in a Princess Bride kinda way.  The big names in it are Claire Danes (the star), Michelle Pfeiffer (the evil skin-hanging off old woman witch), and Robert DeNiro (the cross dressing pirate cut-throat captain). Yes, I said Robert De Niro and cross dressing pirate in the same parenthetical fragment. He's fabulous in both a literal and a figurative sense. It has a happy ending, which is one of the top few criteria to make my favorite movie list.  Other criteria is... explosions.. good music.. and very little politics.


If you haven't seen it - rent it or Netflix it. :) It's really cheap at Amazon (9.99) and Walmart (8.96). Both of those versions are the blue ray. I imagine regular is even cheaper.





Work is good. Good in a way that I'm kinda sad my temp assignment with them is over on Dec 6th. It's a job that isn't too hard, and it requires me to be smart in a think-ahead kinda way. And it gets me 40 hours a week (if I was allowed overtime with OfficeTeam I'd get more than that.) I'm going to be a sad girl after Dec 6th. The Regional Vice-President of the company works there and he's been very supportive of me looking up a Club (Hair Club) wherever I end up and he'd help me get a job.  And the entire staff has been super-nice. It makes working with them for 8 hours so much easier. An added bonus is I get to play HAIR PIECE, NOT A HAIRPIECE all day. You don't watch Letterman? You won't get that joke.

I'm not getting to the gym as often as I'd like.  I think it's the whole working 8 hours a day thing. But every time I go I do about half hour of weights then an hour-long spinning class. NEW GOAL: 3-4 times a week.

I don't like how every time I see a picture with spinning in it everyone seems attractive, super skinny, happy, and like totally excited about what they're doing. NO. That is not how it is. You're sweating like an 800 pound woman running a from an angry monkey, your face is so red you look like at any second you could pass out, you look hideous from every angle, and you're bouncing up and down on your hoo-haa (or whatever the cutesy name for a man's hoo-haa is.)

Ok.. Now for something totally different. I don't talk about my video-gaming habit very often because I think the people who read this blog (let's be honest, no one reads this) will make fun of me in a ZOMG LOSER kinda way.

But I run (sorta run) a guild in World of Warcraft, Horde side. And I raid too... Ya, I'm one of those raiding people.  Hours spent pushing buttons trying to kill pixelated dragons. My guild is a "casual" raiding guild which means we raid for a short amount of time two times a week. And this past week, we KILLED RAGNAROS. He's the last boss in the "Firelands" raid encounter. So it's sort of a big deal. so YAY US. Ok, you can go back to making fun of me pretending I don't play WOW.



Ok... rambling over.

Carry on,

               JESS

Eskimos

You know, I really really really want to enjoy this time of year. FALL! The time before summer and WINTER. But I live in Cincinnati. So I really see this season as pre-winter. Or mini-winter. Or.. The few days before I am cold constantly.  So.. That's why Cincinnati is sort of a northern cut-off point in Kenneth's job-search. I will go anywhere.. Seriously. Anywhere where I can be warm.

To illustrate my geographic preference, I present exibit A.

Now, that black line separates the places where I'd really prefer to live from the places that will make me shiver and complain and run up excessively high heating bills. And no one wants that, do they? I mean.. I'm a much more pleasant person when I am warm. And that really only happens now when I'm wearing fleece pants and a sweatshirt.

As you can see, certain places have decorations. Texas, for instance, has a heart with some bling in it. This symbolizes that dude.. I know peeps there and they're cool.  It is also warm most of the time. There's like a week where you have to wear a coat. But that is IT yo.

Florida. I don't really know anyone there. But that's where the Mouse is. And it's warm. And sunny. And generally not-cold.

The USA-centricness of this graphic does not mean that I would not live anywhere else. I WOULD LIVE LOTS OF PLACES outside the US. France, Italy, Mexico, Japan, Australia, even England if I had 100% control of the thermostat. But Siberia or Russia is definitely not on the list. Is Siberia in Russia? Idunno. Someone wikipedia that and let me know.

-------------

Have a good rest of your Sunday. I'm going to be enjoying a three day "weekend" including today, Monday, and Tuesday!! So excited! I have big plans that include cleaning house, going to the gym, and going to the Aquarium. :)

Tiny Car, Not a Train Station.

So.. I have something disturbing to tell you all. Something heart as heartbreaking as it is true.  Sometimes I am just TOO LOUD.

IN CAPS FOR EMPHASIS.

It's true, nonexistent readers of my humble blog. Sometimes there is a disconnect in my head of how small a place is and how loud my voice should be in proportion.  Sometimes even when my husband is right beside me I start yelling about something... Cause dammit, I'm excited and exciting things deserve VOLUME.  Now, this isn't a new problem. I've been told this for years by people close to me, most often my husband Kenneth.  Before that, friends and coworkers have often pulled me aside and said "Do you realize how loud you are?"

Now.. This ongoing problem has been around for a while. But I think I can trace it to my college years while I was in an intense vocal-centric environment. Most of you know, my bachelors is in Voice Performance. I'm a soprano.. And I sing loud.. but not crazy loud. Not like.. Not like loud that makes you make this face.

A GOOD LOUD. But I have some issue with this face because she looks like it's unpleasant. And everything I say when I'm loud is PLEASANT AND IMPORTANT. Maybe I should curb the CAPS LOCK.. It's sort of the same thing.

Things that make me loud:

1. Ghost Hunters (Or any ghost themed show.)
2. Candles that smell like food (Only food should smell like food.)
3. Kenneth in general 
4. Anything that gets me excited (Good conversation, pretzels, balloons.)
5. Bad Manners (If you are male, YOU OPEN THAT DOOR FOR YOUR WIFE DAMMIT!)
6. Confusing stores (Aisles should be evenly spaced and the items in them should make sense.)
7. Shows that start early or end late (MY DVR WON'T RECORD THOSE PRECIOUS MINUTES)
8. Any sort of alcohol (This just exacerbates the problem really.)

So.. If you're hanging out with me or typing with me online and I'm shouting or using CAPS LOCK excessively.. Just say "Cool it. We're in a tiny car, not a train station."

Remember.  TINY CAR.

Not a TRAIN STATION.


-Jess

You're Fired!! YAY! Bald men? OK!

This is basically what happened.

So I have been absent from the blog for a good long while now.  And I have a good explanation!! I was fired/quit/left/got let go/said my peace/let her know what I thought/parted ways/gtfoplz from my job at the dentist office. There were a lot of reasons, but ultimately she was looking for an excuse - and she found one.  There was some lingering bitchiness on her part on withholding my last paycheck and stuff.. But it's done now. So I feel good about posting about it. 


The best part is.. NO MORE DENTIST OFFICE!!

The kitty is celebrating with me.

Cause guys.. OMG. That was probably one of the most boring, awful, mindless jobs I've ever had. It was WAY less than the full time hours it promised.  I enjoyed my coworkers, but omg I'm glad I'm not working there anymore.  I am a happier person for it :) It's better to work for people you respect. 


On that note.. The day after the Dentist and I parted ways, I signed up at a temp service. The next day they called me for an interview. Three days after that I interviewed with a company. 


Two days after that - - - I had a job until December!! The temp agency, Office Team, is very efficient and professional.  The company they found for me, Hair Club, is even better. Now I know what you're going to say.. HAIR CLUB??!! You mean those "I'm not just the president, I'm a client?" guys? Ya. THOSE GUYS. 




I've worked there for a few weeks (god it's been more than a month now) and I have gained a lot of respect for the company and what they do for their clients and their staff. It's a full time, well paying gig that will last me until December. But considering the time I'm having, I wouldn't turn down a longer term post. It's what Kenneth and I need to get us through til the Holidays. He should be done with his coursework at CCM by June.. So.. Then we move again. And a new adventure starts!








PS: I find working at Hair Club (even though it's AWESOME) kind of a tragedy. I mean.. Bald men are kinda hot. I present you Patrick Stewart as evidence. 

Patrick Stewart. Looking all hot AND bald.

Velocirapture

Image not mine, but awesome anyway.

Kenneth is not taking the Velocirapture seriously enough. I've tried to engage him on the seriousness of this future event, but he keeps telling me I need more to do at work.

WHAT could be more important than warning the world, Kenneth? WHAT? I am trying to prepare you for huge talons and rending of flesh and little children running amok due to wild ravenous velociraptors. 

 As we learned last week, I have a traumatic event in my childhood involving dinosaurs.  There is a strangely large amount of information on these interwebs about this epic future event, some even hinting that instead of the Mayan People Rapture that everyone's expecting - IT WILL BE THE VELOCIRAPTURE.


The Concept: Looking around the interwebs there are conflicting stories and data concerning the Velocirapture. Some indicate there will be, in fact, a Raptor Jesus. Click on that link for a picture of Raptor Jesus. It's kinda disturbing, but I think Raptor Jesus needs a pope hat.  I have a thing for pope hats. The only reason I'd ever want to be an episcopal bishop or the pope is THE HATS.  Some insist that it will be an invasion of Raptors that will signal the end of the world. THAT is the more scary option.

If it's just a Raptor with magical powers, a halo, and an intent to do good - I'm ok with that. Bring on Raptor Jesus.

BUT. A raptor invasion is something I am not prepared for.   There are signs that it is soon, maybe even sooner than 2012!! OH NO!

I need to get my Velociraptor-proof door handles ready.

And Velociraptors aren't the friendliest of their dinosaur brethren. I mean. If I was small (compared to DINOSAURS), evolved from birdies, and had crazy big flesh ripping talons - I'd put them to good use too. RAWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRR!!!!


Some more useful Velocirapture Links for your perusal: 

Probably the coolest comic about the Velocirapture. Probably.

Reddit's discussion on the Velocirapture. Text heavy, as all Reddit is. A notable quote, "Tyrannosatan will appear to rule the world of sinners."

Someone named their band Velocirapture. They have 22 likes on Facebook. That's not enough for this epicly named band. Notable quote from their info: "Velocirapture is gearing up for their BLOW YOUR TOAD Tour -- Coming soon to a city near you!"

The Velocirapture (Tomorrow):  A youtube video about the impending Velocirapture. That dino looks pretty fake to me, but make up your own minds.

PS: There are similar sites for Zombie Jesus. 
PSS: I am not going to hell for blogging about Raptor Jesus. I think the Dalai Lama and Raptor Jesus would be buds. 
PSS: How are you preparing for the Velocirapture?
PSSS: As always, comment here or facebook or anywhere. :)  Follow and share if you feel like it.

Movies that scare the hell out of me. And one that didn't.

Good morning!! I had a rough time sleeping last night (up every hour or so and then it took 20 minutes to go back to sleeeeeep! Ahhhhhhhhh) so I'm cheering myself up (and possibly freaking myself out) by updating my blog!!

So you benefit from my insomnia. I never have insomnia - so weird.  I don't watch too many "scary" or "horror" flicks, cause I like when movies are entertaining. Not frightening. Why pay for someone to jump in your face and make you pee your pants?

Kenneth and I have Netflix, possibly the greatest thing ever. And yesterday we watched out DVD that was delivered, Black Swan.

Now, this movie got a LOT of hype. I thought it would be super scary like zombie-ballerina type thing. It wasn't really. I think I wanted it to be OMGAMAZING due to the reviews and people talking about it like 15 years ago when it came out (slight exaggeration on the time frame there.) 

Sidenote: Jessica clean out your downloaded picture file at work so the boss doesn't wonder why I have all these weird images.

Well, it was slightly disturbing - but it wasn't freak-me-out-stay-up-all-night disturbing. I covered my face once really early on in the movie.  I DID come up with the wrong solution to the plot, and was disappointed when it wasn't right. Cause that woulda been a way cooler ending.  I cringed waaay more when we watched 127 Hours the other day. It's the story of Aron Ralston getting stuck in a canyon and CHOPPING HIS HAND OFF WITH A DULL KNIFE. All Black Swan was was some creepy ballerina with mommy issues.

While we're talking about movies. I watched Paranormal Activity (the first one) when it was streaming on Netflix.  This was possibly the second most frightening movie ever for me. (More on the first later.) I know  people have said it's dumb.. BUT. When that chick stares at her sleeping boyfriend/fiance/husband for HOURS beside the bed. That's jacked up. The night after I watched that I could not sleep - I stayed up and watched Top Gear (the UK version, not the US one cause the US version is crap on a stick) all night and then went to work the next morning still freaking out. So.. Unless it shows up on Netflix streaming (please god no) I won't be watching Paranormal Activity two or three. (But I can't resist that instant streaming yo.)

And finally, the last two movies are HELLA old. But when I was a kid I was easily frightened and terrified. These movies still bother me today. Don't judge me. DON'T.

Jurassic Park. I was really young when this came out. Hold on lemme find out how little I was.. Research time. 1993. That means I was 9 or 10.  That's really little for HUGE SCARY DINOSAURS. My dad took me to this movie in the theaters. Now, I don't blame him. Cause taking your kid to the movies is awesome. And I probably begged him. 

But we had to leave halfway through. I think it was after that guy got eaten on the toilet.

I remember my dad taking me to McDonalds and saying that it was OK that I had asked to leave and he was kinda scared by the movie too. So that made it ok. You're cool dad.  

Ok last one. Now this movie is my all-time-terrorific-will-never-watch-ever-ever movie. E.T. : The Extra Terrestrial. Dude.

I'm getting upset just typing about it. There is NOTHING NORMAL about a cute little friendly alien who likes to play with little girls and eat skittles. NOTHING. In fact it's kind of pedo-creepy. And to make matters worse they put the house in some kind of Outbreak-type-hospital-tunnel-plastic thing. 

ahhhhhhhh...... Ok I'm going to stop talking about ET. 

Anyway. I'm done talking about movies. What movies terrify you?

Stalker cats!

OH HI!

So, we're gonna talk about two things today. 

1. Internet Stalker

2. The cat tried to kill me. 

Ok. I play World of Warcraft.  I admit it. I've met some pretty epic people on there, and I've also met some pretty awful people.  But. The awesome thing about online gaming is the ease of blocking those people with "ignore" features. There's tons of avenues available to separate yourself from negative and awful and obsessive people.

So let's meet this guy. Of course it's a guy - cause most girls are sane. Let's call this guy Clinton, cause that's his damn name.  He inserted himself into our community in game, and eventually revealed himself as a crazy person. The situation ended with me completely blocking him from my life after threatening text messages.  So, I've put some guidelines together for myself in the future.  They might help you too if you have a pretty big "online" presence.

1. DO NOT give out your real name.  I know this isn't really realistic in the age of Facebook.  But if you an avoid it - do. For WOW specifically there is an option called "RealID" that gives people the option of giving out their real name to contact people cross-server and games. BE CAREFUL who you give this out to.  My new baseline, if I haven't known (and regularly spoken with) someone for six months or more - they're not getting my RealID.
2.  DO NOT put all of your personal information anywhere.  This is also hard to resist in the social media age. There is no rule that you have to put where you work, where you live, your phone number, or your email address.  There are boxes for them, yes. But guess what!!  You can leave them blank.  My stalker was able to get the phone number at my workplace and threaten me with "calling my boss."  Remove that ability. 
3. LOOK for clues that people are not stable.  If they seem to latch on in an obsessive way, it's probably not the healthiest person mentally. Keywords are "special, different" for obsession. If they seem to always want to talk about their problems and seem sad all the time, they're probably not the best companion or friend, and might turn crazy.  Keywords for sad/depressed are "I've had enough, I don't know what to do with my life, I'm so tired of the world, I'm fat, I'm a loser"  anything that they seem to want to tell you but not listen to a solution for. They've decided to be that way, let them do it far away from you. 
4. SEVER any connections if you suspect that they are not stable. If you have seen any of those keywords or someone is acting in an obsessive or unhealthy way, sever all ties. Don't wait - there's no point in keeping them in your online circle. There's millions of people that can take their place. Block/report them on your Facebook and any other social media site you use, use the ignore function in any online game you play,  and if they have contacted you via telephone obsessively - call your phone company and have the number blocked.
5. Report them to the police if you feel in any way unsafe in your house/workplace because of this person. I'm lucky that my stalker lives in Florida and has no mode of transportation or income to "come find me" as he threatened.  BUT, that will not always to be the case.  When in doubt, report the incidents to your local police and provide all proof you can (Facebook page, real name, contact info, screenshots, voice mails, text messages, anything you can think of that shows that this person is a threat to you.)

Ok, hope that helps and makes you think!!

Don't let that face confuse you.  That cat is a monster. She straight up jacked my hand up.  I don't care if she is lovingly sitting beside me and begging for pettings. SHE IS A MONSTER.


PS: Kenneth and I are going to "Hallelujah Broadway!" tonight. I don't recognize any of the vocalists, but hopefully they'll do some stuff I can sing along with. And if it sucks, I can always read Game of Thrones on my kindle. (IT IS SO GOOD.)

Before you go to the dentist, read this.

So.. I may have problems with my boss and my current job in general.  But one thing that drives me CRAZY is patients who don't think before they come in to see the Dentist.  Here are some general guidelines to follow before you to the dentist for anything ranging from a simple checkup to some crazy implant.

Those sum purdy teef.

1.  ALWAYS bring your insurance information. This goes double if you have changed insurance companies.  O M G people. "You know, that one dental insurance that has the blue ball in the commercial."  NO I DO NOT KNOW THAT INSURANCE COMPANY BASED SOLEY ON THE COMMERCIAL.  And I will not be able to get ANY information on it if you don't provide me with BASIC information (you know, those damned cards they give you?)  And don't expect the dentist to see you (or the receptionist to let you stay) if you "forgot" your insurance information.
2. UNDERSTAND your dental insurance plan.  I can't tell you how many times people ask me VERY specific questions about their insurance plans and I have to tell them, "No I did not read all 200 pages of your dental insurance plan just to familiarize myself with it.  There are over 500 charts behind me. There are thousands of insurance companies, millions of plans. Sorry I didn't have time to learn all of them in the year I've been working here. I've spent all my time blogging instead." Well.. Maybe I don't say that.. Maybe I smile and shake my head and bite my tongue. But sometimes, I just can't.  Yes, I can call and ask them about that one particular issue if you ask VERY nicely, but it'd be easier for you to just go read your damn plan.
3. BE NICE to the receptionist.  THIS. THIS, OMG THIS. They control ALL contact between you, the dentist, and any other staff members.  If you are a bitch (there are male and female versions of this word) I am not going to do my damndest to help you. Sorry, my time is reserved for polite people. And DO NOT demand to speak to the dentist without explaining your situation. That's what the receptionist there for, to screen crazies. LIKE YOU.  Nice people will have their information within the same day.  Bitches? You're gonna have to wait a few.
4. DON'T come in and expect not to pay anything. Bring your checkbook, cash, or a credit card.  There's no telling what's going on in your funky-ass mouth and if we have to DO something more than we expected  GUESS WHAT. You're going to have to pay for it.  I don't care how old you are or if you've been coming to this office for 156 years.  If you don't have insurance, you know you have to pay for your visit, don't be an idiotic old man and say "Bill me." No. Pay. Me.  That's like going to the grocery store, bagging all your groceries, then asking the cashier to send the bill to your house. Nope. 
5. If you're going to cancel, do it AS FAR ahead of time as possible.  It is HUGELY frustrating to the entire staff to have a major procedure (crown, implant, dentures) call and cancel the same day (or leave a message the night before).  I have had people cancel because it was raining, because it was hot outside, and get this - because they WANTED TO GO TO THE POOL.  Don't cry and give me a pity party when I charge your ass for the time reserved for you.
6. DON'T ask for a discount.  The charges are what they are. If you can't afford a service, don't have it scheduled for you and done.  If you can't afford a prostitute do you go ahead and call her over and ask her for a discount when she gets there? NO! She'd laugh in your face.  And that's what I want to do to you. We tell you the cost ahead of time for almost everything, and WE HAVE A PHONE. Call and ask the damn price.  

Ok that's it. But I can't stress how important #3 is.  If you have any of these other problems and are NICE to me and the staff, I will take care of you.  But if you're mean, hateful, and THEN do something else stupid? Dude, just find a new dentist because I have a list of those people. And I tell the Doctor and the Assistant and the Hygienist about you.

And they will remember that you were mean to me when they have sharp instruments in your mouth.

The Mythical Chupacabra!!

I am back from vacation! And I had a marvelous time with family in the beautiful state of North Carolina. I spent time at Atlantic Beach, Greenville, and Roxborough Lake. Fantastic, relaxing, and it didn't cost us very much either. :)  Anyway, on with the fun.

Monster Chupacabra

There was a Chupacabra siting in North Carolina while I was there! This is unusual because normally chupacabra sitings happen in Texas or Mexico or something. Don't know what a chupacabra is? It's sort of a hairless dog looking thing. But it's IMAGINARY.  It's like Big Foot. Or the loch ness monster. It isn't really there or your eyes are playing tricks on you... Or someone shaved all the hair off their dog. Wikipedia has some weird image on their site which doesn't look anything like a chupacabra is supposed to. Check it out on the left.

Now.. That looks kinda like an alien, doesn't it? It looks nothing like the "siting" they showed on the news or any of the pictures google brings up about chupacabras. It looks like one of those sinister little aliens that sneak into kitchen cupboards and spring out and scream at you when you're just trying to get a bowl for your cheerios!!!! I hate those kind of aliens. I can handle other kinds.. Like the punk-ass ones in Signs that die from water. Or the nice-ish ones from Star Trek. Star Trek aliens are never reeeally scary. Speaking of Star Trek.. William Shatner just did a documentary called The Captains. You can watch it on Epix HD. There's a free 14 day trial so I'm gonna take the trial and watch it. OR Kenneth could do it. KENNETH DO IT. <3 It looks kinda like Netflix. I need to watch it, cause I love me some Star Trek captains. Well.. Some of them. My order of preference is:

1. Jean-Luc Picard (Patrick Stewart) Star Trek: TNG
2. Katherine Janeway (Kate Mulgrew) Star Trek: Voyager
3. James T. Kirk (William Shatner) Star Trek: TOS
4. The rest. Cause they suck. (All the other ones)

I'm probably letting you know too much about my love of Star Trek.. But I don't caaaaaaaaare! I am a huge nerd. If you didn't know that already, whose blog have you been reading?

Sidenote: If you go to the dentist and you have new insurance, bring your damn card. 

OH HEY!!!!!!!  I found a picture of a Chupacabra that's ALIIIIIIIIIIIVE. Check it out.

The mythical CHUPACABRA!

Dog, right? Ya. Someone has not been feeding their dog and all the hair fell out. Chupacabra = imaginary.

Book 3

I've been reading Game of Thrones. I finished the second book on vacation last week and started the third. 71% through it as of last night when I went to bed.  That's pretty good for such looooong books.  And they are fantastic. Except that he kills like everyone off. BUT, it makes it exciting and unpredictable. And more realistic than most of this type of genre. You get attached to someone and then he RIPS them away from you in some awful way.  I didn't realize how long these books were because I have them on my kindle, which doesn't go by page but instead goes by percentage. The first book is 835 pages in paperback. I think the newest book (book five, A Dance with Dragons) is over 1000 in hardback.

Now it is technically in the "Fantasy" genre. But it doesn't really shove a bunch of magic/fantasy/mythical creatures at you so it's a safe read for anyone really.  There's no chupacabras in Game of Thrones. But there are DRAGONS.  I haven't been into a series this much in a loooong time. Check it out if you need something to read that's more than some quick evening/beach read.

Speaking of the beach... I leave you with a picture of the view from my beach chair. It was a lovely 86 degrees.

My feet and the beach.

 OOO AND! I found the Dos Equis man (The Most Interesting Man in the World) at Chico's in Greenville. Picture of me and him!

I don't always go to Mexican Restaurants, but when I do I find the Dos Equis man.

Ok really that's it.

<3 Jess

Edit: The inlaws Lake house is on Roxboro lake. Not Lake Roxborough like I had previously stated! Thanks to my husband for the catch!

Edit 2: Mario sent me a picture that he thinks is a Chupacabra. He lives in Texas. I think it's just a tiny cat in the rain.

Geography Lesson.

I am trying not to go insane at work. Also. New font. Welcome, Helvetica. I feel ten times cooler now. I don't understand what all the fuss is about regarding fonts anyways. Blogger.com choices are very limited. Here they are.  Maybe there's a widget that will expand my choices to include crazy cursive fonts that no one can read. Then I will change all my entries to bright neon pink background with yellow letters so you'll have to squint and eventually end up with a neon-Jessica induced migraine. THIS WILL COME WITH NO WARNING.

Georgia on my mind.

1. Arial. Boring unless it's italicized.
2. Courier. Kinda cool. Kinda typewritery.
   
3. Georgia. Which is a STATE, not a font people.
4. Helvetica. The cool kid.
5. Times. What I wrote all my papers in college in. Which now seems like a mistake, because all these other fonts take up WAY more room.  Dammit. Missed opportunity. Kenneth, write your DMA "document" in Verdana or Helvetica. It takes up way more room.
6. Trebuchet. I'm pretty sure a Trebuchet is a catapult.

Verdana. Which is different than a verandah. Which is like an outside place.     


Ok enough. I'm back to Helvetica, which seems HUGE compared to Times. OMG I wasted so much time in my youth writing in Times New Roman. THE HUMANITY!!!!!!!! 

 TOMORROW I go to North Carolina. I'm kind of hella excited about this. And I will give you reasons in a list format. LISTS, for those of you that are blind and/or three freaking years old, are things put into a line for organization's sake. 

1.  Weather. It's kind of gorgeous there compared to here.
2. There's no bosslady there.
3. My family is there!
4. No crazy spinning teachers. (Well, to be clear I'm sure there ARE crazy spinning teachers in the great state of North Carolina but I won't be meeting any of them.)
5. THE BEACH
6. THE LAKE

My parents are taking us to the beach Wed-Thurs of this week. SO EXCITED. I used to hate the beach. Now I kind of love it. You know why? My kindle.. My sunglasses. And the sun. I kind of love the sunlight.  Like <3 it. Don't get me wrong - I'm all about the night time too. But I miss the sun living in Cincinnati, where it's perpetually hazy/cloudy/rainy/snowy/sucky.


But if I'm in the sunlight I have to wear sunglasses, cause I'm a squinter. You know.. One of THOSE people who look like they're thinking of something really hard but really the light hurts their eyes. Ok anyway. Even I'm bored of talking about this.......... 


I can make it through the rest of the workday BECAUSE. (Yes another list cause I might need an intervention about lists)

1. I am going SPINNING afterwards!! (Yes, I'm excited. Don't judge me.)
2. And then picking up INDIAN FOOD from Baba India!
3. Then I do not have to come back to work until the 27th of JULY!!!!! WOOHOOOOOO!

Ok that's all I have for you today. OH WAIT. 


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Ok I took a picture of my pet dinosaur perched on top of my diet coke can. I don't think he's the kind that can open door handles. 

 

Sid thinks I'm a moron.

We're going to see Harry Potter at 4:40pm! Along with everyone else in the world that had better things to do last night at 12:01 this morning. Like sleep. I've been going to sleep early lately. I don't know what's gotten in to me. I must be getting old, like Kenneth. (Who, if we have forgotten is 30 now.)

Video Warning: Explicit Language. 

But Craig Ferguson's rabbit thinks I'm a f#$%ing moron for seeing it on the day it comes out. Sid, you obviously don't understand my relationship with Harry Potter. The first movie came out in 2001, which happens to be the year I graduated High School.  I was one of those kids who read sci-fi/fantasy novels instead of paying attention in English class or band practice. So the movie was a big deal for me.  I wasn't so into the books until after the second movie came out. Even then after reading all of them, I prefer the movies. Not to knock the author, but oh well. It's nice to know some of the backstory you don't get in the movies, but I could have done without them.

SO.. in a related comment.. I think it's funny that some of my friends on facebook are complaining about "spoilers" from those people who saw it at midnight. THEY ARE FROM BOOKS. And honestly, if you don't read and you haven't heard the ending (OR EVEN GUESSED IT) you're just not thinking hard enough.  Something posted yesterday on Failbook that made me giggle.

Green guy, ya I agree.

Kenneth's watching the special features of the Deathly Hallows part 1 movie on blue ray. I keep talking to the cat, which annoys him because I talk to the cat like it's a person. Her name is Cora, but we call her Kitter cause I think giving animals people names is silly. So she's Kitter. My first dog will probably be "Puppy."  I want a corgi. I think I've mentioned that before. But anyway - I'm getting off topic.

HARRY POTTER. What books on tape will we listen to on the way to North Carolina now? (8 hour drive.) Any suggestions? Game of Thrones might be good.. It'd be a good way to get Kenneth into them anyway.

We're going to the Kenwood Theatre which is still pretty new. Small screens, small theaters. I went to get tickets when they opened so we're guaranteed seats - but I'm sure it will be FULL.  I'll update this after we get back to tell you how it went. :)

Sorry for the entire post being about Harry Potter and cats and things.. Something else quickly.. Hmmm.. OH, I had a personal training session with Gyasi today. Wasn't as death-inducing as the last one! Must mean I'm making progress!

Salsatastrophe

There are times when all you can do is smile, nod, and try to be positive.

THIS, my non-existent-blog-readers, is one of those times. SO I WILL SMILE. :)

Sparkley thing to celebrate Kenneth.

Kenneth's birthday was MONDAY! He turned 30! Which is half of 60. And one third of 90. So he's basically almost 90. I had to work, so the festivities had to wait til afterwards. We went to Taquiera Mercado in downtown Cincinnati. I just realized that website is all in Spanish. So if you want to check out the restaurant, go here for the Urban Spoon site for the place.  It was good, but you had to pay for chips and salsa. WHO DOES THAT? It was a SALSATASTROPHE. I am trademarking that word. Salsatastrophe. My word. No you may not borrow it for your commercial.  I had the tacos (al pastor and chorizo) and they were yummy.  Pretty inexpensive too. Kenneth's friends (and I guess mine too now!) Michael, Jon, Olga, and Jeremy came to dinner. It was nice to get them away from CCM. That's the place all the doctory things happen. Well.. pre-doctory things. Cause he's not a Doctor. YET.  The day before his birthday I sang in his church, Blue Ash Presbyterian.  He said that it was part of his birthday present because he's sweet and knows I have 0 money. Like. Zero. If I had to pay one dollar to publish this blog post, you non-existent-blog-readers would be OUT OF LUCK.  But.. I did manage to get something for Kenneth for his birthday. It is scandalous and will not be recounted here. (Well, not that scandalous.) A fun time was had by all, and in the near future we will be one of those couples who throws huge birthday parties for one another. Do those people even exist? I mean.. do they run around for months sending invitations and ordering balloons and picking table decorations for a birthday party? Those people have too much time on their hands.

I WANT THAT CACTUS

Work is what's getting me down lately, so I don't want to dwell on it for too long. To make a long, frustrating story short - the Doc is cutting down our hours. And it's getting to be below the point that I can still pay the rent. Which is bad. Cause I like our House. As tiny and cute and moldy as it is. I like it. So I want to keep it. I'm applying for other positions and part time positions that MIGHT work around this schedule... Or possibly for something that could replace it entirely.  But for now, I am gonna just keep smiling and doing my current job. Cause that's all I can do. :) Sidenote, I want a cactus for my desk.

So.. I'm going to do something completely crazy. Something so far outside my current limits that it's a little insane. That thing is Tough Mudder.  I got the idea from one of my WoW friends - but I totally claim it as my own idea now. I WANNA DO THIS.  My goal is to do the one in Ohio/Indiana March 24&25 of 2012.  Now.. If you don't want to take a minute to follow the link to this "event" lemme brief you. It's a 10 mile long obstacle course. It involves mud, ice cold water, fire, hella tall walls, live electricity, and some camaraderie. I'm gonna need to kick my butt into SERIOUS gear to get ready for this. So far I've asked a couple people to do it with me. Ashley and my sister Amanda for starters. It's more up Manda's alley since she's in the Air Force and has like.. done obstacle courses before. BUT.. I think I will do MUCH better if I race with people I know. OH AND. It's not a "race." They don't time you if you're not one of the first 100 people to finish (which I definitely will NOT be.) and they just emphasize finishing the course. You get a beer when you're done. It's that kinda thing. :) And I like beer. Who doesn't like beer? Nazis, that's who. Are you a Nazi? I DIDN'T THINK SO.

Anyone else wanna be stupid and do it with me?

PS: I think I need an intervention for my excessive cap-locking in this and previous posts. 
PSS: I think my cat needs a kitty-treat intervention. 
PSSS: Kenneth does not need an intervention of any kind cause he's cool like that.
PSSSS: Feel free to comment and follow me, I'll return the favor. :)
PSSSSS: I also need an intervention about PS's.

I'd like to express my enjoyment of this weather forecast. Not a single day below 80 degrees. This is my version of heaven. I HATE being cold. The sub-arctic (only a SLIGHT exaggerations) of Cincinnati in the Winter months, which by the way include October through May, are intolerable. I should start a protest. I'll make a sign. But not one of those Tea Party signs with bad grammar/spelling. It'll say something witty.. I'm not sure what yet.. Any suggestions?

In completely unrelated news (but with no abrupt subject change hippo picture cause Kenneth made fun of me for it) I stopped suddenly when I was walking to the restroom today and looked at the picture by the door. Lucky me, I had my camera.

It occurred to me that... THIS ISN'T A CLEAR WOMEN'S RESTROOM ANYMORE!!

It allows women and handicapped men. That dude isn't wearing a dress. It must be a man. This immediately makes me afraid of this bathroom. There are a LOT of elderly wheelchair-bound gentlemen in this building. They could come rolling in anytime. Women, BE ON ALERT!

Hmmmmmmmm.......... What else is going on. Kenneth's birthday is next Monday. He's turning the big 30 - which is like ancient, bones turning brittle kind of age. That reminds me.. I need to take out a life insurance policy on him soon. :) I think we'll be going to dinner with some of his friends, cause we can't afford much else. Such is the life of a Doctoral student and an underemployed wife (me!)

Ok. I lied about the no hippo thing.

BUT It doesn't count because it's a new hippo. :)

The Cincinnati Zoo (which I need a membership to.. If anyone's feeling generous.) has a "Wild About Wine" night coming up in August. WHICH I WANT TO GO TO. You get to sample 8 wines and pet cute animals like all up close and stuff.  You get a wine glass. And you can NEVER have too many wine glasses around my house. You know why? Cause Kenneth breaks them.

Love you babe.

PS: As always, comments and follows are appreciated. :)